Hungry as I am,
It’s still hard to swallow
A lie to keep me full;
Let alone the bullshit
You choose to feed me.
It’s all still a bit hard
To digest.

Being lead on, let down, and cast aside seems to be my forte these days. Especially by the people I give to the most. That is the life of a shield. You protect the ones most precious to you, but in the process, you are beaten until you are useless to those precious ones. Then, of course, you are put aside due to your uselessness.

To talk about this is hard because the only people who would care to listen are the people I protect and telling them would not be protecting them; it would hurt them.

Today, I needed a kind word. Today, I needed a friend. Today, I needed a moment to breathe. And for the first time, I honestly reached out to people. Reached out and was swatted down.

I’ve come to the decision that once something has been used up, it’s only right to cease it’s existence. If it is allowed or, more accurately, forced to stay around, it only suffers from uselessness.

In short, I’m ready to go. At first I thought it was the depression eating me up but no. It is this desire to be done with it all that causes the depression.

For now, I’m waiting. Waiting for that beautiful day where I can do no wrong. That day that I laugh the most, drink and eat the most, fuck the most; that will be the day of my not so grand exit. That way, none of this shield’s proteges will believe they were the cause for the end. No letters, no finger pointing, no warning.

Just me fulfilling the only wish I’ve ever had: to be ok.

Just one day,
One day is all I ask,
The sun has shone for weeks,
But it’s been years,
Since I’ve seen the light.

We used to have summer picnics
Down by the creek.
Where wild flowers grew
And we’d play hide and seek.

I always packed oranges;
I knew she loved them best.
We’d eat the fruit in a hurry,
Into the creek, went the rinds and the rest.

For years we played here
Until time found us teens.
Then play time was replace
By high school babble and talks of dreams.

She wanted to be a doctor,
So every sick child would find care.
I just wanted to be happy.
Didn’t matter how or where.

Soon our picnics were just oranges,
Our talks downgraded to simple chats
Not long after I was left alone at the creek
Wishing for the days we were brats.

She left for college.
I worked at the mall.
Five years went by in a flash,
We hardly talked at all.

Then came news from her mother,
My beloved, childhood friend had died
It was a car accident, they say,
Caused by some kid on a joyride.

I cried for days.
I didn’t know what to do.
The world you were supposed to save, dear friend,
Was the world that ended up killing you.

I somehow found myself by the creek
Not sure what to say.
Just remembering our time together,
All those wasted Summer days.

In our picnic spot,
I confessed my eternal love,
Hoping you were smiling,
Somewhere from above.

One last orange here,
For you my dear friend,
May enjoy another picnic together,
When I meet you at the end.

It’s almost over,
This mental freak out of mine,
I just have to survive this last phase,
One where I want to take my life,

I am starting to focus again,
My counterfeit smile is high quality,
And now there is more water in my veins,
Then whiskey or beer or wine,

But the four quarter is where games are lost,
The closing buzzer feels so far away,
Even with this second wind I don’t know,
If I can keep up this pace,

So I’ve written my letters to my loved ones,
Filled my alter with apologises to my gods,
Settled my debts and businesses,
Just in case,

I’ve been here before,
I hardly made it through,
To the end and back,
What a cruel cirlce I’ve made.

You’re beauty knows no bounds
With your soft, coffe hair
Floating like rain in the wind
Your earthly, chestnut eyes
Like a place where dreams are born
Your smooth, olive skin
Divinity that begs to be touched
Your full, enticing bust
Unflaunted comfort in stereo
Your brilliant, sublime hips
A forbidden land where eye do rest
And your long, illustrious legs
That make Roman column jealous
By far, you are the most beautiful woman
This disgruntled poet has ever seen
The most gorgeous woman
To ever be interested in man like me
So don’t lose heart from me turning you down
Because you’re the definition of sexy
But I’ve already promised myself to a certain Lady
And one must never keep Death waiting.

Summer days beat upon my face
Where beads of sweat roll down
Dropping to the sun soaked soil
Never again to be found

Fruit falls from this ancient tree
Who’s sense of time has long since left
Making my yard full of food
That has no potential to grow

A baby bird waddles about
Freshly fallen from its near by nest
Yet its mother casts it an unsympathetic eye
Leaving it to fend for itself

Guitar strings chimes out
A love song to which no one pays attention
Becoming beautiful vibrations
Drifting in the wind

Your image comes to mind
With all the joys you brought to my life
But slowly fades much like your presence
Into infinity, into obscurity
As I’ve had time to forget.